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[05 Aug 2007|09:57am] |
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I'm scared. Austin has been here for about 2 weeks...and he leaves on Tuesday. I can't even explain how happy I am when I'm with him. It's ridiculous. I don't know what's going to happen. Like I said, he leaves on Tuesday. Then, in 17 days, I leave for San Francisco...and then in the middle of September he's moving back here to go to Cal Poly. I don't understand. Finally, when he moves back, I'm gone.
I want to make this work, but every time I think about it I can't help but think about him finding a new girl at college. I'm so scared, it makes me sick to my stomach. I've never met someone who cares about me this much and I don't want to lose it.
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[19 Apr 2007|07:27pm] |
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I don't know what I want anymore.
All I know is I'm a person of high standards, high morals, and high expectations.
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[07 Apr 2007|09:41am] |
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Currently lurking away while my bestest friend is taking a shower.
Then when we finish getting ready...
Going to South Coast to spend loads of cash all day.
Rissy picked me up yesterday from Thousand Oaks and we drove back down to Irvine while creepers and lurks smiled and waved at us the whole drive down. Then we went to the spectrum to eat and do a little pre-shop extravaganza. Pretty good.
This is going to be the best weekend ever, and I'm so happy to be with my best friend. :D
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[02 Apr 2007|04:44pm] |
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So,
I just sent in my intent to register for San Francisco State University. It's a rather bitter-sweet feeling leaving for college. I guess I never really thought it was going to happen to me. But, it is.
I'm estatic. I cannot wait to live in the city and meet so many new people. Basically, beginning the rest of my life. I've been doing a lot of thinking of what I want to do career-wise. I know I want to write. I want to go into magazine journalism...maybe one day writing for Sports Illustrated, I'm also looking into music journalism as well. I think that'd be interesting too. Those two could basically hold my interest for an eternity.
I'm also really scared. I've always been a home body and a person who would rather just sit at home with her family on the weekends. I guess this is calling for change. I'm nervous about who my roommate is going to be, how homesick I'll get it, and I'm pretty scared about growing up. Austin and I are still going to be living 4 hours away from each other, but a car drive is way more manageable than a plane flight. We're going to stick it out. Maybe next year he'll go up somewhere closer to the bay area, but who knows. Life is tough.
I realized all this after the attendance lady at our school mentioned to me, "Only 2 months left...not even." It kind of hit me. Not even 30 days of actual "teaching". I'm going to miss high school, it gave me four amazing years, and I definitely could have never imagined having such a ridiculously good senior year. I know I'm not going to look back at my high school life with regret. And you know what, I'm glad I went to St. Joe's. All those kids are awesome, maybe with the exception of a miniscule few. I mean come on, do you have Tom Sua stealing Pat's keys and driving his car up onto the Senior Lawn and parking it there with Pat having no clue where his keys are....didn't think so.
August 22, 2007
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[14 Mar 2007|03:50pm] |
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So, I got back from my trip to Georgia on Monday. I've never been so depressed about coming back to California again. This time really got to me. Austin and I had so many good conversations and just being with him made me so happy. I guess you don't realize you're in love until you meet up with your significant other after 4 months of not being together. Even though his prom was a bust, we made it worth it. I've never felt this way about anyone...ever...
Thank God he's moving back home this summer.
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[25 Jan 2007|04:57pm] |
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I have never been more scared in my life.
Today seemed like any other normal day. I came home and my mom was gone as usual, so I just sat on the computer and myspaced it up for awhile. I had to pee really bad so I walked into my back bathroom. After I was finished, I heard an unrecognizable male voice in my kitchen (let me remind you I was home alone). I heard rustling of papers and such and the man's voice. The first thing I did was call my mother from the bathroom. "Mom, was anyone supposed to come by the house today?" "Not that I know of", she said.
She was all the way in downtown Santa Maria so I told her that she needed to hurry up and get home because someone was inside the house. Right after I said that I heard my dog bark one of those insecure barks when he doesn't know the person who came to the house. I heard my back door slam and I started freaking out. "MOM YOU HAVE TO GET HERE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE...SOMEONE IS INSIDE THE HOUSE!" After that I started talking to her really softly so no one would here me. I mean come on, I don't want the dude coming back to where I was so he could knock down the door and murder me! My mom called my dad and my dad called me and kept me "calm".
He asked me what had happened and told me to talk in a whisper in case someone was still inside the house. By this time, I was sitting on the bathroom floor facing the door and my heart was beating so fast it felt like it would burst out of my chest. I kept getting calls from my mom freaking out and trying to tell me that she would be there and soon as she could, but I was also on the phone with my dad. My dad was trying to keep me calm. Yeah, he did a great job. You know, when you're in a bad situation you expect the other person to calm you down by taking your mind off the current situation...not slider. His way of calming me down was this: "You know, when teenage girls get raped...it's usually by someone they know". Thanks dad, thanks a lot.
I then got a call from my mom and she said that my uncle Rick was closer than she was and he was coming over to check on me. I was still sitting on the bathroom floor and I swear to God my life flashed before my eyes. What if the guy was still in the house? What if he heard me and burst through the door? So I started thinking of ways to protect myself if something like that happened. There was nothing in the bathroom to really protect me, so I grabbed a bottle of hairspray and had that right next to me. If the suspect was going to barge into the bathroom, I was going to spray him in the eyes to distract him and then make a run for it. I had it planned out.
About 20 minutes went by, and it was seriously the longest 20 minutes ever. All of a sudden I heard Rick barge through my back door and scream my name over and over. I ran out of the bathroom and when I saw him I just started bawling. I could not stop crying. I felt like I was saved. I gave him a huge hug. He had a crow bar in his hands and was storming through the house to make sure that there was no one inside.
Right after he got there, my mom and her cousin ran through the door and gave me a hug. I have never been more terrified in my life. I couldn't stop crying and my body was shaking uncontrollably. We couldn't figure out who would come inside the house. For fifteen minutes we tried to put the puzzle together.
We kept thinking why someone would barge into our house and why. We called my grandma to see if she knew where my grandpa was and if it was him who stopped by. She said he was out but that he went to get the mail and drop something off at my cousins house.
To make a long story short, about fifteen minutes later my mom started cracking up. She asked me if I had brought in my dad's coffee mug and soup container. I said no. She then realized that it WAS my grandpa who was here because he left the coffee mug and container on the kitchen counter.
I called my grandpa and told him the whole story and how I was so close to calling 9-1-1. He laughed and I laughed. And it is now a great story to tell my children.
Moral of the story: the evidence never lies.
If you read that I love you.
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[16 Jan 2007|11:00am] |
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I've been in a sad mood lately.
Everything is looking up and going the way I want it to go, but I still feel alone. I've cried the past two nights and I don't know why. Myspace comments make me jealous and sick to my stomach, and I don't know why. I just want to go away. I need to move to Frisco already. I thought I was happy but lately I hate myself, physically and emotionally. Why?
I don't know what's good for me anymore.
I just want to cry, go to sleep, and not wake up for days. That'd be refreshing.
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[11 Jan 2007|06:22pm] |
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I finally got my letter of acceptance to San Francisco State Universtiy today.
Next week is finals. It's kind of surreal that I only have one more semester left of high school and then I'm done. No more basketball. No more high school drama. No more waking up at 7 am in the summer to go to practice. No more St. Joe's. No more Santa Maria. It's strange.
I'm pretty ready to graduate and get my life started in Frisco. I'm excited about the fact that I will be going to college with Camille. She's amazing and I'm glad that we'll be able to continue our friendship and learn more about each other during these next years of our lives. I won't be alone. :]
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[09 Jan 2007|09:50pm] |
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In 56 days I'm flying back to Georgia to see the only boy I love.
Gunna spend some quality time and go to his prom with him.
Should be interesting since I know no one there.
All I gotta say is I better look snazzy cause I'm gunna be "Austin's girlfriend from California".
Oh, silly Georginians.
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[01 Jan 2007|01:53pm] |
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Please, just let the first half of 2007 go by fast.
I don't want him to be sad anymore; it makes me cry.
I don't want to deal with high school drama; it turns me into a bitch.
I don't want to keep counting down; it makes me insane.
Please, I'm just ready to move on with my life.
2006 was hard.
2007 is bringing change.
Bring my boy home and get me to San Francisco already.
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[22 Dec 2006|01:58pm] |
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My mom was looking for a book, and she found it on ebay. So she bought it. She has never been more excited about a book in her life. This isn't your ordinary book. She grew up reading this book with her mom. It is called The Treasure Chest. It is a gorgeous book. Inside is contains quotations from a variety of different people on subjects like Beauty, Friendship, Creed, Hope Immortality, Trouble, Wisondom, etc. I don't think I have ever been more fascinated by a book. Here are a couple quotations from it.
Achievement
Success is to be measured
not so much by the position tha tone has reached in life
as by the obstacles
which he has overcome while trying to succeed.
-Booker T. Washington
Church
Who builds a church within his heart
And takes it with him everywhere
Is holier far than he whose church
Is but a one-day house of prayer.
-Morris Abel Beer
Happiness
Happiness comes of the capacity to feel deeply, to enjoy simply,
to think freely, to risk life, to be needed.
-Storm Jameson
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[09 Dec 2006|10:46am] |
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This week has been absolutely amazing. I have probably never spent a week crying so much, but it was a good cry. Monday through Thursday I was at the Kairos Retreat, and I really never believed I could ever get so much out of a retreat. It was inspiring. I talked about things I thought didn't hurt me anymore, and I put my emotions out on the table...and I enjoyed that. I learned so much about people whom I had never given a chance before. I am so glad that I decided to go on it, if I didn't, I would have missed out. My faith is God has grown lately and I appreciate that. I've never been the person to go to Church on a weekly basis, and I now I finally discovered why. It's not because I never believe in God and it's not that I was angry with God for causing me pain in my life. I just have never thought that dressing up nice and going to Church every Sunday was necessary. Plenty of people go to Church and don't even live a good life when they leave. They "dedicate their time to Jesus" and don't even live a christian life. It's hypocritical. God knows that I am a good person. He knows that I pray. He knows that I am true to myself. And he knows that I don't need to go to Church every week to prove that. Kairos helped me learn so much about myself, God, and my friendships.
Coming back to school on Friday, I was skeptical. But when I got there and saw all the people I went to the retreat with smiling and having a good time I was relieved. I was so happy that entire day and nothing could wipe the smile off my face. I felt renewed. It was awesome. And I still feel that way. Friday was also the Senior Mother's Mass. My mom had no idea that I was one of the people who would be speaking in front of the entire school, faculty, and senior mother's about my relationship with her. She was so surprised. I was nervous but the speech went amazing and everyone loved it. I really didn't think I could touch people the way I did. I thought I was just up there talking about my mom, but afterwards so many people came up to me crying andsaying how I made a difference in a way. They said I helped them realize how short life is and how they should cherish every moment of their life. Some people even told me that I made them want to have a better relationship with their mothers. I was touched. I felt happy and accomplished. I am so thankful for this week, because it was more than I could ever ask for. I will never forget it.
Live the 4th.
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[03 Dec 2006|07:30pm] |
I've discovered a distinct change in myself lately. I've noticed that I'm not the same person emotionally that I was maybe a year or two ago. I'm happier. Even though there are many things in my life I wish I could change, I've realized that they all happen for a reason, and that other people have it way worse than me. People say that this is the time when teenagers become confused...I'm confused. They say that this is also a time when teenagers discover and acknowledge who they are...I'm discovering.
I've learned that shit happens, and it is just something that you have to deal with. I used to be a person who wallowed in the negatives that life throws at them, but now I know that all that emotion is pointless. It gets me nowhere. I'm growing up.
I leave for the Kairos Retreat tomorrow and I'm really excited. Besides the fact that I'm not allowed to bring my phone and I won't be able to talk to Austin for a couple days, I think this experience will be a great one...
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[23 Nov 2006|11:41am] |
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Happy Thanksgiving!
I'm thankful for my bestest friend ever Marisa, and the most amazing boyfriend on the face of this earth, Austin.
Have a great Thanksgiving and enjoy your family. <3
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[20 Nov 2006|09:55pm] |
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The most beautiful song you will ever hear in your life.
Tracy Chapman: The Promise
If you wait for me, then I'll come for you
Although I've traveled far, I always hold a place for you in my heart
If you think of me, If you miss me once in a while
Then I'll return to you, I'll return and fill that space in your heart
Remembering your touch, your kiss, your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting
If you dream of me like I dream of you
In a place that's warm and dark
In a place where I can feel the beating of your heart
Remembering your touch, your kiss, your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting
I've longed for you and I have desired
To see your face, your smile
To be with you wherever you are
Remembering your touch, your kiss, your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
Please say you'll be waiting
Together again
It would feel so good to be in your arms
Where all my journeys end
If you can make a promise
If it's one that you can keep, I vow to come for you
If you wait for me and say you'll hold a place for me in your heart.
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[15 Nov 2006|04:58pm] |
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I've decided.
I'm done being upset and bummed out lately. Why do I even get like that? Sure, life's hard, but drudging around like my life is over is not getting me anywhere. I always think about what my grandpa tells me when I'm feeling bad.
"Hey papa, how are you!?"
"Shit, I'm great...I woke up again."
That's the way life should be lived. Being thankful for another day. Another sunrise, another chance to better yourself, another day to tell the people you love the most that you care. Sure, I miss my boyfriend and my bestest friend, but they don't want me bumming out all day.
I only have about 9 more months of being here, and then it's off to San Francisco to start a new chapter in my life. And until that chapter decides to open, I'm staying content.
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[08 Nov 2006|08:38pm] |
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I'm completely overwhelmed. And not in a good way.
When he was here I was happy, I was fine. I couldn't wipe the smile off my face for three days, and now it's hard to even give one. I didn't have a care in the world and it felt like he was never gone. Now I feel like everything is just crashing down on me again. I really don't understand.
My head hurts from crying and my stomach won't lighten up. I want this year to be over with. I want to get out of here. I'm sick of stressing out and I'm sick of trying so hard and not feeling like it's good enough.
I just want it to all go away. I don't want to be alone anymore.
I want my best friend.
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[06 Nov 2006|08:06am] |
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:D
I can't even explain how happy Austin makes me. He came into town yesterday and I was seriously ecstatic. He's the best thing that has ever happened to me. He's amazing.
Last night, we went to Pismo and just sat on a blanket on the beach for hours and just talked. I could not wipe the smile off my face. He even surprised me with a juicy necklace for our one year anniversary that I've been wanting forever. It's ridiculous how happy this boy makes me. I cannot say it enough.
From his witty pickup lines and sarcasm, to his most amazing statments that me feel on top the world: he has it all.
So today I'm ditching school and going with him and his madre to Santa Barbara. I love it. [EDIT]: UCSB today was awesome. Basically walked around the campus with a lame-o tour guide along with Austin and his mom.
"Babe, what are you staring at?"
"Haha nothing, you're just so pretty."
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| I see the love of my life in about a week... |
[30 Oct 2006|09:37pm] |
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I said I wanna touch the earth, I wanna break it in my hands
I wanna grow something wild and unruly
I wanna sleep on the hard ground in the comfort of your arms
On a pillow of blue bonnets and a blanket made of stars
Oh, it sounds good to me...
Cowboy take me away,
Fly this girl as high as you can into the wild blue,
Set me free, oh I pray
Closer to heaven above, and closer to you
Closer to you
I wanna walk not run
I wanna skip and not fall
I wanna look at the horizon and not see a building standing tall
I wanna be the only one for miles and miles
Except for maybe you and your simple smile
Oh, it sounds good to me...
Cowboy take me away,
Fly this girl as high as you can into the wild blue,
Set me free, oh I pray
Closer to heaven above, and closer to you
Closer to you
I said, I wanna touch the earth
I wanna break it in my hands
I wanna grow something wild and unruly
Oh, it sounds so good to me..
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| ATTN: |
[29 Oct 2006|01:15pm] |
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Michelle, Patty, Cassidy, Beth, Luci, Alison, and Camille:
Last night was amazing. And I love you all.
"Never have I ever had Calculus...suckas!"
"Well, never have I ever made out with Austin Condon."
"And...never have I ever been turned on by a 12 year old licking a knife."
God damnit. Hhahaha!
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